Where is My Mind?

  Lately my mind has been a complete mess. I don't know what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, or what I want anymore. I've stopped taking drugs (as frequently, at least) and I've been feeling bloody miserable ever since. So I took some today, which I do not regret at all.. I feel pretty damn great. Only thing is my eyes keep bugging out of my skull and I have the feeling my friends are aware that I'm on something. Lovely. Anyways, enough drug talk, as I can tell no one even reads my posts anymore due to the excessive drug rants. Well I'm sorry folks, but this is a blog, meaning this should be about my life. And right now in my life, I've lost my mind.

  I'm going through a lot of difficult thoughts, mainly the thought of liking girls. Now, for about four years or so now, I've embraced liking girls and am not ashamed of it whatsoever. I'm not completely out about it, but the only reason I'm not is because people in my school don't care enough to spread that fact around. Eh, their loss. ;) The point is, I like girls. And the problem is, I have a boyfriend.
  I'm not sure what exactly to do, but I'm planning on breaking up with him as soon as possible. But I'm freaking out about it. My entire group of friends literally revolves around me being friends with him, so I'm hoping he won't take it harshly. Either way, my mind is racing with horrible thoughts. And I don't know how to make it stop.

1. "Where is My Mind?" by the Pixies
2. "Sad Dream" by Sky Ferreira
3. "You and I" by Silver Apple
4. "Lights Changing Colour" by Star
5. "All the Young Dudes" by Mott the Hoople
6. "Gamma Ray" by Beck
7. "Trouble" by Cat Stevens

But I'm a Cheerleader

  So I haven't posted in FORFUCKINGEVER simply because I've been too busy with schoolwork, actual work, and all around procrastination to accomplish anything. I've started writing again.. perhaps this time I'll actually be able to finish a full-out story before deciding that this is "too much work" and that I'm a lazy fucker who needs to stop changing her ideas so rapidly. I always seem to do that.. and every time I realize how random and quickly my mind works, I think of that silly Katy Perry song; you change your mind like a girl changes clothes. Or something along the lines of that. I haven't heard it since the fifth grade.
  But anyways, my point is that the human mind, while a blessing, can sometimes be a pain in the ass. It makes us change our ideas and opinions sometimes before we even have the change to process them, and for that, I hate it. But the human mind is also an incredibly brilliant thing, so I should not be shaming it for simply doing its job.
  Since I've last posted my hair is now black with a terrible attempt at green underneath, the wings on my eyeliner about six feet higher, and the color of my heart now blackened with angst from school. Yes, I really despise school. Perhaps I should blame the Sex Pistols and the Ramones for making me so enraged at the simplest of things. Anarchy in the UK and all that jazz (although I live in the US, heh..). Some classes are alright, like English and ceramics, but after a while it's the same shit that it was last year. You're assigned a book to read or an object to make, you read/make it, you are judged on your reading/making abilities, and you move onto the next one. It's a vicious cycle, a never-ending rut that seems to put me to sleep. I'm surprised I haven't fallen asleep in any of my classes yet.
  Besides school making me want to claw my eyes out, I've been understanding and discovering my sexuality more and more every day. I have no doubts in my mind that I like females, but the male part of my sexuality is starting to get blurred. It seems I don't know what I want anymore. There are probably dozens of beautiful lesbian-esque films I could watch, but my favorite has to be But I'm a Cheerleader. I've probably talked about this film before, but I never get sick of it. I watched it again this weekend and fell in love all over again. It's about a camp that tries to make people simply stop being gay.. which is impossible but the whole movie's satire and campy style really make it a good film. I'd watch this movie over and over again, and not even a single second of it seems to bore me. It was an Edward Scissorhands-like color palette, a bunch of hilarious and sassy gays and lesbians, and a lot more of what I think defines the line between cheesy and amazing. Seriously though, check it out. And okay, ignore my ranting today. I just thought I'd have a little fun while enjoying a break in my study class. Now go on and continue your regular actions, but before you do, take a look at the pictures that inspired me this week. And stay classy, San Diego. ;)

I know this is fake mac n' cheese but it looks so good right now I could just gobble it up.

Lisa Frank, the reason I am how I am today

Me in my Kinks shirt pretending to totally rock my green hair.

From Rookie, I believe.

Elvis and Priscilla. 

George and Pattie.

Silence is Golden

  Today is the Day of Silence. For those of you who don't know, the Day of Silence represents the silence that is caused by anti-LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Questioning) bullying and harassment. This means that if someone who is part of the LGBTQ community is being bullied, they may be silent about it, or silent about the fact that they are in fact part of the LGBTQ community to begin with. By ending this silence, we can take the first step toward building awareness and making a commitment that addresses these injustices.
  In order to participate, I must stay silent all day. This is going to be very easy for me, as I am a silent person in general. Unfortunately, I have work immediately after school, and I would likely be fired if I didn't take orders or interact with customers. But I have vowed to stay silent until then.
  I'm carrying around a mini erase board and stylus pen in order to communicate, but other than that, I haven't said a word. But it bothers me that some kids are just using the Day of Silence as an excuse not to talk during classes or present projects. I understand why they may not want to talk during class, but it bothers me that they're taking advantage of this support day for their own personal pleasure. It also really bothers me how the kids behind me in CDS (That's what we call homeroom here) are using the word "gay" as an alternative for the word "stupid." It just.. god, it makes me sick. And for some reason, it bothers me how some people who are supposedly such "big" supporters of gay rights in my grade aren't participating either. But if I judge them, I'm just as bad as those judgmental of the LGBTQ community, aren't I?
  Anyways, hopefully my post on the Day of Silence has inspired you to start your own... maybe? Okay, now enjoy some pictures that were also in my Tumblr-isms post because Tumblr is blocked here, and I can't post any new images I've found showing my support for the LGBTQ community. Have a fabulous Friday!

Tumblr-isms

  Ah, Tumblr. The online word of fandoms, bandoms, and hipsters. What's not to love? It's all just fun and games, right?
  WRONG. I used to think Tumblr was just a place full of endlessly reblogging photos of things I like, but now I've learned that it's a majestic place full of people whose ideas could seriously make up the government, they're that smart. Sure, Tumblr does have that whole fandom crap, but some of its text posts seriously speak to me. So I thought I'd dedicate this blog post to some of Tumblr's greatest text posts, both humorous and accurate. (Of course, being the grammar nazi I am, I edited these for spelling and punctuation and added all that but the content is the same so just enjoy iughiughtjh) I've also decided to include some images I found on Tumblr that were especially powerful to me.

---

  It actually pisses me off so much that there’s the whole WORLD out there, yet I’m just going to school every day and learning things that I am - for the most part - completely apathetic towards and I have so little motivation, yet I could be off finding wonderful things in foreign cities or climbing mountains or helping people or just wandering, and I feel like I’d learn so much more doing that instead, really.

You know what totally sucks?

When you realize that you like somebody way more than they like you and even if it’s in a totally platonic way it still makes you feel awful because you’re probably just annoying them and how often you think of them is probably more than creepy.

But you know what totally sucks more?

When you realize this is your relationship with pretty much everyone.

There is a difference between people who are smart and people who get good grades.

I simultaneously want to sleep in bed forever and do everything in the world.

The funniest thing in the world is straight guys who hit on random women they don’t know but have this indignant fear that a gay man is going to hit on them

like, they’re aware of how uncomfortable unwanted advances from strangers are, but are somehow too stupid to see the irony that they do to women what they’re afraid gay men will do to them

bunch of A+ dudes

• Me: So when you see the 4 year old boy pull the little girl's hair...

• Students: He likes her!

• Me: Now they are around 11 or 12 and he grabs her arm and wrestles her to the ground even though she calls him a jerk and yells at him to leave her alone.

• Students: That is just how boys are.

• Me: Now they are 18 and he grabs her arm and--

• Students: Oh, that's not okay.

• Me: Really? How would he know? How would she know? How would you know? You just told me that for the first 17 years of these children's lives that you thought it was cute, sweet, and natural for a boy to grab a girl and be rough with her.

• Students: Oh.

• Me: Oh, is right.

It’s actually really disturbing that kids falling asleep in school is viewed as them being lazy and not as the school overworking them to the point that they literally can’t stay awake.

It’s kind of ridiculous that we have to work our asses off for 13 years in school just to work our asses off for another 2-8+ years in college just to work our asses off in a job that we probably don’t even like, when we were born on this earth without a choice and I for one certainly didn’t sign up for that

Imagine a wall full of circular holes, that circles can keep walking in and out of with no difficulty.

Now imagine that the triangles manage to get the resources together, after years of not being able to fit through the circle’s holes, to drill a single triangle space into the wall.

Now imagine that the circle — who previously supported the triangle’s efforts because they are well-rounded (har) and value equality —  comes along and sees the construction project. But instead of being happy, they get angry.

“Well, I won’t be able to fit through your hole!!!!” the circle cries.

“I helped you get the drill!!!!” the circle shrieks.

“Make it fit me too!!!!” the circle demands.

The triangles, barely holding it together enough to get a triangle hole together, stare at the circle in confusion. 

“You have all the holes you need,” the triangles explain. “This is for us. You don’t need to fit through our hole, too.”

“YOU’RE BEING UNEQUAL AND HURTING MY FEELINGS!” the circle wails. “I DON’T SUPPORT YOUR HOLE IF IT DOESN’T FIT ME TOO. GIVE ME MY DRILL BACK.” 

“It’s not your drill, it’s our drill. You helped us get it, because you said you cared.”

“I ONLY CARED WHEN I THOUGHT YOU’D MAKE A HOLE EVERYONE COULD FIT THROUGH. YOU’RE PERPETUATING INEQUALITY!!!”

“Why is it up to us, the small group that has never been able to fit through the wall at all, to make a hole everyone can use? Why isn’t it up to you, the people who have been able to cross back and forth at will for years? We just want to see the other side; why are you yelling at us?”

“I DIDN’T ASK TO BE BORN A CIRCLE, OMG. I’VE HAD TO WORK HARD ALL MY LIFE TOO. YOU’RE JUST BEING BIGOTED AGAINST ME BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I CAN’T CONTROL, JUST LIKE EVERYONE IS AGAINST YOU.”

“You are interfering with our project and asking us to comfort you while we’re trying to make progress. Please leave.”

“I’m going to tell everyone about this,” the circle warns. “Nobody will support you now.”

“Apparently nobody ever did,” the triangles sigh, getting back to work.

What grades determine:

• Your ability to memorize mostly useless things
• Your ability to regurgitate information in the way others want you to
• Your ability to understand what adults want from you and give it to them
• Your tolerance for working on tasks you don’t find useful because others want you to do them or believe them to be helpful/socially acceptable

What grades do NOT determine:

• Your intelligence
• Your creativity
• Your emotional capabilities
• Your likeliness to succeed
• Whether you’re a good person

How this seems to work

• 9/11: All Muslims are evil!
• Oklahoma Bombing: Not all Christians are like that.
• Bombing in Oslo: Not all Christians are like that.
• Sikh temple shooting: Not all Christians are like that.
• Pretty much every other shitty thing a christian had done: Not all Christians are like that.

What they did not want you to ever find out is that your generation, the generation born between 1980-1995, actually outnumbers the Baby Boomers. They knew that if you ever turned your eye towards political reform, you could change the world. They tried to keep you sated on vapid television shows and vapid music. They cut off your education and fed you brain candy. They took away your music and gave you Top Ten pop stations. They cut off your art and replaced it with endless reality shows for you to plug into, hoping you would sit quietly by as they ran the world. We as a society are only as strong as our weakest link. Give ‘em hell, kids.

don’t be too clingy
don’t be such a ‘girl’
be a woman
but be hairless like a child

don’t wear skimpy outfits
don’t be such a ‘slut’
be modest
but take it off when i ask

don’t assert yourself
don’t be such a ‘bitch’
be nice to me
but don’t be a fucking doormat

don’t be ignorant
don’t be such a ‘bimbo’
be intelligent
but don’t argue your opinion with me

don’t wear make-up ever
don’t be so ‘insecure’
be yourself
but don’t complain if i don’t like it

September 3rd, 1967, Stockholm, Sweden. The day Sweden changed from driving on the left to driving on the right.

parenting tip

making fun of your kid for enjoying the things they enjoy is the quickest way to make them feel so completely isolated from you that they are more comfortable talking to strangers on the internet than you about their problems

Things I Never Learned in High School:

• How to do taxes
• What taxes are
• How to vote
• What political parties are
• How to write a resume/cover letter/anything related to getting a job
• How to write a check/balance a check book
• Anything to do with banking
• How to do loans for college
• How to jump start a car or other basic emergency things
• How to buy a car or house

but I’m so glad I know the fucking pythagorean theorem

(Male) straight privilege is heterosexual men being concerned that all gay men will make unsolicited sexual advances, whilst they themselves do so all the time towards women and never think anything of it. 

NEED MONEY FOR COLLEGE

NEED COLLEGE FOR JOB

NEED JOB FOR MONEY

WAHT

WHO THE FUCK DESIGNED THIS SYSTEM

I love how so many parents and teachers are still convinced that kids don’t want to go to school because they don’t like learning. It’s like no you dipshits it’s because high school environments are fucking toxic and make kids want to off themselves stop degrading their intelligence and blaming it on the kids when IT ISN’T THEIR FAULT.

you can’t spell education without education think about this for a second

“A psychiatrist once told me early in treatment, “Stop trying to make me like you,” and what a sobering and welcome smack in the face that statement was. Yet somehow, every day of my life is still a campaign for popularity, or better yet, a crowded funeral.”

—

John Waters Black guy kills some people. Society: Criminal. Muslim guy kills some people. Society: Terrorist. Latino guy kills some people. Society: Criminal. White guy kills some people. Society: Mental illness. (lost soul, complicated psyche, quiet loner, misunderstood, frustrated with life, experienced recent, traumatic, life-altering events that set him off; not to mention all the positive descriptors that are attached to him, i.e. intelligent, PhD candidate, honor roll student, etc.)