Friday, April 26, 2013

Eating Myself Alive

The always-lovely Sylvia Plath.
  Lately I've just been lacking motivation in general. This applies to not only making blog posts but also trying hard in school, making things at work, and controlling my emotions. While this is quite terrible for obvious reasons, I just... don't care. At first I thought it was procrastination, but now I'm coming to realize that it's pure laziness and loss of interest.
  I've always been a negative person, but it was around three or four years ago in particular that my positivity went completely downhill. Up until around sixth grade, I tried very hard in school and maintained wonderful grades. Something happened then.. I think it was the "scary phase," the phase that most 'tween' girls go through between ages 12 and 14 where they think they know everything and want to rebel against their parents, that brought me this change in attitude. Thankfully I now respect my parents and am out of that phase, but at the time I was young(er) and naive, and very, very stubborn.
  When I was 10 I saw my first therapist. I can't remember exactly why, but I do know that it was because fifth grade (a 'middle schooler' in my town) was bringing me anxiety and stressing me out. Before middle school I'd never taken a test before and had never had to study. I had never received grades before or even got critiqued on my work. Everything was for the fun of it. But when fifth grade rolled around, the whole idea of a new school with a different education system and way of grading freaked me out. I had never received criticism before (probably why I'm so bad at taking it now), and I broke down every night because of the vast amount of homework I had. So my parents decided to send me to a friendly therapist a few blocks away, and I despised it. What was the woman, asking me such personal questions and making me talk for an hour straight? That was crazy talk! I had never felt more intellectually violated before, and so I only kept my therapy up for a few months, then quit, feeling happy and refreshed. You know its a problem when going to therapy, the place that's supposed to make you better, stresses you out.
  All seemed well until sixth grade, when my so-called scary phase occurred. I started hanging out with a group of girls and guys who in turn hung out with older kids who smoked and drank. Of course I didn't do those things, but hanging out with people who did really messed me up. I thought I was much more mature than I really was, and therefore, I could talk back to my parents and constantly be out with friends. Looking back now, I realize how flawed this idea was, and I'd do almost anything to change it. I think most kids have rebellious stages though, so I'm glad I got mine over with at a time where no other peers judged me (at least to my face).
  Summer going into seventh grade I tried my first cigarette. I thought I was so tough, so cool, almost like a James Dean-type figure. But that's when the depression really hit. I got suicidal and started to do regrettable things, mostly making out with every guy I laid my hand on. Now that I look back at that I realize it was disgusting and plain stupid, but I guess that's just how my rebellious state went. Seventh grade was a pretty good year, though, as I stopped hanging out with that group of friends for the most part and returned to my state of being a good student and overall person.
  Eighth grade was when my depression worsened. I was no longer influenced by friends, but I rather stayed in most of the time and listened to music. That year was when my classic rock obsession began, and I'm thankful it started then, otherwise I may have been slightly more messed up physically than I am now. My dad and I began to argue a lot, and every insult he hurled at me, a new gash was added to my wrist. Thankfully most of the scars are faded now and only four and a half are visible. I returned to therapy on and off through sixth, seventh, and eighth grade, too, but in eighth grade, I was the most depressed I'd ever been. Not only was I depressed, but angry, too- I was constantly screaming and crying in my bedroom and throwing silent tantrums in my brain. Thankfully I was able to stop self-harming and gradually become happier and happier.
  I call this year the year of tears. I began talking to more people online, and in turn, I lost a few friends in real life. Besides work, I rarely leave my house for anything other than school. My constant thoughts have been "be happy, be positive, love everyone!" while my attitude is polar opposite, reflecting "I hate you, I hate me, fuck everyone." I've been suicidal once or twice this year, but like I said, my lack of effort and motivation has prevented me from doing anything harmful. Thankfully I'm out of said suicidal state for the time being. I've also struggled with self image, mainly because I've done a lot of things to make my peers judge me. Starting Freshman year I began dying my own hair (even though in eighth grade it'd been dyed multiple times, but by professionals), wearing whatever clothes I wanted, wearing lipstick, and showing off my love of all things rock and roll. Towards the beginning of the school year up until March I struggled with anorexia, dropping to a stunning 89 lbs. Although my eating disorder has gotten better, I still cringe when I have a full stomach, and I avoid the scale at all costs. Working at an ice cream place really ruined my eating patterns, and I guess that's a good thing. But now I can't stop eating junk food and it's destroying me.
  So there's my story; I know none of you asked for it, but I thought it was a nice touch for you all to know that yes, I'm currently very depressed, and yes, I'm struggling. But I'm alive, and I'm thankful for that. I'd appreciate if no one left "but you're so -blah blah- why did you -blah-? You're so nice and funny and blah blah" comments because it honestly seems beyond fake and just ruins me more. My self esteem is my personal issue, and although I can tell you care enough to comment, I don't need comments rubbing it in my face. So, comment if you will, but make sure it's not something I could interpret wrongly. Thank you for listening.

Illustration by Cynthia

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Nightmare Motel

So for those of you who don't know, I'm not much of a TV show watcher. I like BBC Sherlock (although I've seen every episode so that kinda sucks, no new material) and Daria (which has been off the air for practically a decade), and that means I'm not one of those people who has a series they catch up on every week or so.
  That all changed when I first saw Bates Motel, a new series (only six hour-long episodes so far, so if you wanna check it out, it's not THAT much work to sit through every episode) based off of Alfred Hitchcock's 1960 movie Psycho. In Psycho, there's a crazy man named Norman Bates who lives at the Bates Motel, owned by him and his mom. SPOILERS BEWARE. Eventually you realize Norman's mother is not really alive, but Norman thinks she is, and is instead living her out through his own multiple personality disorder. It's crazy, and I love every second of it.
  In Bates Motel, it shows you what life was like for Norman growing up- his psychotic mother, Norma, his school friends and brother Dylan (all of whom were not in the original film), as well as crazy alternative plots that make the series fresh and now.
  The original Psycho takes place in 1960, while Bates Motel takes place in modern times. You'd think someone like me, who hates most things post-1990 would despise this alternative take, but I actually think it adds to the show. It allows Norman as well as the other characters to text each other, do more modern hobbies, and have friends that I guess are 'more relatable to teens today.' Either way, I think it adds a nice, unique twist to an already classic story.
  That being said, Bates Motel is completely different from Psycho- the only thing similar are Norman, his mother Norma, and the fact that they own a hotel. Whether you like Psycho or not, you should definitely check out this series. If you have comcast, all six episodes so far are available for free On Demand. The series itself appears every Monday at 10 PM on A&E (which means it can swear and be sexual, yay!) and are DEFINITELY worth checking out!
  WARNING! This post shows me in all my acne-filled glory! So enjoy the benefits of not wearing coverup but yet still getting greasy pimples because yay, being a teenager!

The original 1960 Psycho movie poster.
Lame attempts at a creepy killer face.
A sweater I bought for >$3 that reminds me of Norman for some reason. 
Screenshotting while fastforwarding because I'm cool.
I caught this in between scenes, thought it looked scary.
Starin' at my soul!
Thought my guitar looked scary over there lurkin' in the corner, decided to take a pic.
Pulling the innocent, scared look.



Friday, April 12, 2013

Silence is Golden

  Today is the Day of Silence. For those of you who don't know, the Day of Silence represents the silence that is caused by anti-LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Questioning) bullying and harassment. This means that if someone who is part of the LGBTQ community is being bullied, they may be silent about it, or silent about the fact that they are in fact part of the LGBTQ community to begin with. By ending this silence, we can take the first step toward building awareness and making a commitment that addresses these injustices.
  In order to participate, I must stay silent all day. This is going to be very easy for me, as I am a silent person in general. Unfortunately, I have work immediately after school, and I would likely be fired if I didn't take orders or interact with customers. But I have vowed to stay silent until then.
  I'm carrying around a mini erase board and stylus pen in order to communicate, but other than that, I haven't said a word. But it bothers me that some kids are just using the Day of Silence as an excuse not to talk during classes or present projects. I understand why they may not want to talk during class, but it bothers me that they're taking advantage of this support day for their own personal pleasure. It also really bothers me how the kids behind me in CDS (That's what we call homeroom here) are using the word "gay" as an alternative for the word "stupid." It just.. god, it makes me sick. And for some reason, it bothers me how some people who are supposedly such "big" supporters of gay rights in my grade aren't participating either. But if I judge them, I'm just as bad as those judgmental of the LGBTQ community, aren't I?
  Anyways, hopefully my post on the Day of Silence has inspired you to start your own... maybe? Okay, now enjoy some pictures that were also in my Tumblr-isms post because Tumblr is blocked here, and I can't post any new images I've found showing my support for the LGBTQ community. Have a fabulous Friday!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Straaaaange Brew. ♥

  For the past few days, I've been blabbing on about nonsense having to do with summer. Although it's a few months away, the recent spurts of warm air have made me feel much closer to summer, and therefore, I've just been in an overall happier mood.
  However, it was raining last night, and now everything is wet outside. It's also still slightly dark and gloomy (but that may be because it's still very early in the morning), and the air is sticky with post-rain humidity. Basically, its gross out. If your day is just like mine, you probably feel just as gross as I do. I've actually taken the liberty to dress lazily, something that is rare for me, simply because it is so gross out. But fear not! I have decided to make this blog post jam-packed with color and nostalgic memories of summers past. So kick back, put your feet up on your desk, and just relax. And hopefully enjoy my post. :)
Let's start off with Salvation Mountain. Salvation Mountain is basically a gigantic installation of art in Calipatria, California made from adobe and a ton of paint. The reason it is called "salvation" is because several murals and areas are painted with both Bible verses and Christian sayings. Even if you're not religious like me, I have a pretty good feeling that you'll enjoy simply looking at the beauty of such a lovely art creation. The colors are spectacular, the painting is spot-on- but unfortunately, since it is an art installation, its having a little trouble standing up to its natural surroundings. Many people who come like to donate paint and help touch up the wonderful sight. I've made it a personal goal to visit here before I die.

I think Salvation Mountain is suuuuper groovy, and I want to visit here sooo badly. Anyone wanna steal a van and travel cross country to California with me..? *No one raises their hand* ...Okay! Just me, then. Anyways, enjoy more summer stuff, and my super duper playlist. Enjoy!

Roger Waters & his girl, a sunflower fabric I love, and the 1978 alternate cover to "Who Are You" by The Who.

  Unfortunately my internet usage is being monitored, and I am not allowed to make playlists anymore. But fear not! Check out my 8tracks (itsamodmodworld) for plenty of previously- made playlists. Last but not least, enjoy my lazily put together outfit today!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Friday on My Mind

Hello everyone! My spring break officially starts on this Friday at 2:17, when school gets out. (By the way, I feel SO weird calling it "spring break," I usually just call it "April Vacation.") That being said, I have Friday on my mind. This post doesn't really have a point, actually; I just thought I'd use it as an excuse to tell you guys that I'm excited for a break from school, and that I'd share some pictures with you. These pictures have no real theme; Most of them are from Rookie or Tumblr. If you want a specific source from one just let me know and I can find it. Anyway, enjoy it.

  Since I was too lazy to make a playlist and upload it here this morning on my personal computer (mainly because I didn't know what my blogpost would be about), here is another manual one. I'm sorry I don't have the files on a site like 8tracks :( I've also included a playlist from, I'm not sure how I like it yet. I'd appreciate feedback! I miss 8tracks so much, agh.

  1. "Friday on My Mind" by The Easybeats
  2. "I Wanna Be With You" by The Raspberries
  3. "Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes) by Edison Lighthouse
  4. "The Sun Ain't Shining No More" by The Asteroids Galaxy Tour
  5. "I Want You" by Bob Dylan
  6. "Humanoid Boogie" by The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band
  7. "Hurdy Gurdy Man" by Donovan
  8. "Peaches En Regalia" by Frank Zappa
  9. "Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)" by The Doors

OH! And this is my hair, for those of you who asked. K BYE HAVE A NICE DAY

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows

My favorite movie, Harold and Maude!
  Now that it's officially spring here in Massachusetts, (you can tell because its actually sunny, and its a whopping 70°F here today!) the sun is shining, the trees are starting to grow their leaves again, and flowers are finally sprouting up again. 

Screen cap from Harold and Maude.
Miss Pamela and Marianne Faithfull, two of my favorite women.
I've started working at Dairy Queen again, and although I'll admit I was rather nervous to start working again, working in the spring is much more exciting than working in the fall and winter. Not only am I making more in tips (in three hours in the fall/winter I'd typically make around $8 in tips, now I make anywhere between $15-20 in three hours), but there are also more customers, keeping me busy and making time go by much quicker.
I'm glad I'm not the "new girl" anymore too. I'm still their youngest employee, but they're training new people to work there, and therefore, I don't feel 100% stupid for messing up, like I did before. Plus the toppings are super yummy, so I basically eat my weight in everything from cookie dough to cheesecake bites daily. That's the best part about working; the free food. I can make pretty much all the ice cream I want, I love it. Even though I'm not an ice cream fan, my family is, so I bring them home whatever they want. Alright already, enough about work. Just enjoy the pretty pictures and have a fabulous Tuesday!
Screen cap from Moonrise Kingdom.
Screen cap from Heavenly Creatures.
Trippy stickers from the 1980's. 
Sylvie Vartan.
From Rookie.
The Beatles show off their love of the outdoors.

  1. "That's the Way" by Led Zeppelin
  2. "The Village Green Preservation Society" by The Kinks
  3. "Crimson and Clover" by Tommy James & The Shondells
  4. "Wear Your Love Like Heaven" by Donovan
  5. "Monday Monday" by the Mamas and the Papas
  6. "Picture Book" by The Kinks
  7. "Strawberry Fields Forever (Take 1, the most beautiful version in my opinion) by The Beatles
  8. "Jennifer Juniper" by Donovan
  9. "Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" by Lesley Gore