Thursday, May 30, 2013

Diaries of a Lonely Pessimist: Part III

  Last night, I completely lost it. 
  I hope I never get in a state like yesterday again. Thinking about it now, it seems like a dream. But in the moment, it wasn't like that at all. It was a complete and utter nightmare.

Collage by Dylan

  Yesterday started off as any typical Wednesday did. We had Monday off from school for Memorial Day, so this particular Wednesday felt like a Tuesday. Not that it made a difference, but it's still important to note. 
  All was going somewhat well until third period, physics. I've never been good at math, and because physics is full of memorizing equations and doing complex math out on a calculator, I'm completely lost. Memorizing facts is also a troubled area for me, and so memorizing all these rules of physics has not been easy. I seem to be the only person who doesn't get it.
  I guess I should have gotten a tutor or something, but the school year is less than a month away from its close so there isn't really a point right now. If I had to go back I probably would have asked for a tutor, but my family isn't doing all that well financially right now and wasting all that money on a tutor for Freshman year is a little silly. But the point is, physics is not my strongest area.
  This particular physics class, my teacher called on me to answer a question for the class warm-up. Because the year is so close to ending, we have finals coming up, so everything is a review. Thankfully for physics the final is an MCAS (Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System) test rather than one that my teacher grades. However, if we fail the physics MCAS we have to take the chemistry MCAS next year, so I'm a little worried as it is. Of course I didn't know the answer to the question my teacher asked, and I felt humiliated for it. As children, we are taught there are no stupid questions. The teachers at my school do not think this way, apparently, as they always laugh and get the class to join in on your laughter if you mess up. It's a sick, sad, world, but my physics teacher is particularly cruel about this. Because I didn't know the answer the entire class stared at me while he tried to walk me through the problem. I didn't know what was going on, so I simply nodded and pretended to. When he asked me another question involving the information we'd just reviewed, I naturally got it wrong, resulting in more laughter.
  I sank into my seat, feeling my face growing bright red. My eyes were so watery that I couldn't see, and I prayed no one, especially my teacher, saw me. If he called me out for crying during class I'd surely never hear the end of it from my peers. I had several hot flashes during the whole wrong-answer experience, and I'll never forget how completely embarrassed I was.
  The same thing happens in my French class nearly every day I have it. I am absolutely terrified of public speaking, which seems to piss teachers off because they think I just want to get out of presenting for class. Of course it isn't really this way, as I have terrible anxiety that sometimes makes it hard to even breathe when publicly speaking. In French my teacher is absolutely dreadful; she is a thousand times worse than my physics teacher. Although my physics teacher has downright told me as well as several students that we're not getting into college (although I can never tell if he's serious or not), my French teacher is the epitome of evil. She has these cards with every class member's name on them, which she shuffles and picks out student's names to conjugate and write sentences on the board. Last class she called on me and, because I was so terrified, I spoke very quietly. She then proceeded to make me speak into a microphone for the class, resulting in me shaking and holding back tears. But she simply thought I was doing this to get out of work, which was definitely not the case. Anyways, I had a panic attack in French class as well as a panic attack in physics. Neither were fun experiences.
  Later that day at lunch I had another panic attack; this one was caused simply by thinking of the previous two panic attacks. I was swarmed in a flood of tears, and I quickly escaped the lunchroom and hid in the bathroom until last period.
  I couldn't wait to go home, and when I finally did, my world came crumbling down. An ex-friend from online and I had finally reconnected as friends, and I was happily chatting with her when she thought I was flirting. I was simply trying to be nice, and her friend came in and practically attacked me. The two of them harassed me to the point of further tears (something which occurs almost every single time I talk to the two of them) and made me fall into one of the most depressed states I've been in for a long while. Then the ex-friend proceeded to tell me, in much more complex words, that she wouldn't care if I killed myself. I then told her that if I ever did decide to go all the way and do myself in, it would be entirely her fault. She denied that, which made it seem like she was trying to be nice, but then she called me "kiddy" (and she knows how much I despise being referred to by age) and set me over the age. 
  Like the pathetic internet-obsessed teen I am, I began frantically googling the fastest suicide methods possible. Of course this was at around 10:30 at night, so doing a majority of them were not possible. Eventually I snapped out of it and just vented in my diary instead, but the impact was still great. I woke up practically stuck to my pillow due to the amount of tears I cried the previous evening, and I desperately longed to stay in a mental institution. However, I feared my parents would laugh at me so I decided to go to school instead, where I am now.
  I know this entire story has no relevancy with any of you reading it, but it just felt good to finally get the entire thing out on paper. I just want to stay in a mental hospital of some sort so badly, but I'm afraid of missing finals... what do I do?


  1. "If you're going through hell... keep going." I have found that advice to be sound, Sam. I want you to know that I feel you. I've been through the same kinds of humiliating experiences many times in my life, times when everything seemed to be tumbling down. Ride it out. Get plenty of rest and sleep and you will find that the pendulum soon starts to swing in the other direction. Things will get better for you, just hang on.

  2. I read your blog sometimes, and I wish there was something I could do for you. You're right about the schooling system, it sucks and there are so many double-standards that I want to rip my hair out. I agree that you should try your best to wait it out, and remember that you won't have to see any of your teachers again after this year and no one else that goes to school with you after 4 or so years. If you really feel distracted by your anxiety and depression to the point that you can't concentrate on studying, at least make an effort to tell your parents. If you are not confident with telling them, you can refer to a doctor/primary care physician, or at worst, a school counselor. The latter option sounds a little intimidating, I know, but it's always good to keep an open mind if you haven't tried them yet. I want you to get help for yourself, you really deserve it. <3

  3. Hey Sam. I have the same problem in physics, and I'm in my junior year so I know how you feel. It makes me so sick that anyone would treat another human being like that-especially someone as wonderful as you. I don't know if it would do anything, but I think it would be well worth it to tell the administration at your school, and if they don't believe you or take you seriously go higher up to the district. It's ridiculous how school's are soooo against bullying it when they're the ones advertising it through their cocky teachers (but the cool teachers make up for it a little bit). I know the feeling You got the other night, and I'm really glad it only led to you venting in your journal, because I don't know what I would do if you harmed yourself like that. I'm so sorry for everything that's happened to you, and if there's anything you need feel free to message or e-mail me at:! Sam, you are a bad ass babe who is finding herself a lot earlier than most people in this world. All I can promise you is that it's going to get better. <3

    P.S. I haven't forgotten about the bowling bag I swear!!! I've been SWAMPED with school and family matters but I will try hard to get to the booth sometime very soon.